


words that are hard to say

by serconstance



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 1.2k, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Phan - Freeform, weh-tun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-24
Updated: 2016-01-24
Packaged: 2018-05-15 21:56:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5801704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serconstance/pseuds/serconstance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A bunch of times Dan and Phil loved each other but couldn’t quite say it like that. Includes time lapses and book references and unsure/kind of stable relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	words that are hard to say

Through the thin walls, the pacing is made out of irregular thumps on the creaky floor, and Phil can’t sleep. He’s tried, because he told himself he wasn’t gonna let himself get attached again, he was going to let Dan draw the lines between them. But the thumping seems to get louder and louder, and he rushes into the bedroom next door, barely seeing anything because of the sudden light from the hallway.

He leans against the doorframe, and Dan takes more than ten seconds to realize he’s standing there. His eyes are bloodshot and the bags under them match the dark stains on the living room carpet. Phil sits on the bed and makes himself comfortable under Dan’s duvet, turns off the light, and watches as Dan continues to pace in the dim light of the weak lamp in the corner of the room. His heartbeats match the thumps and he slowly dozes off.  
  
He wakes up in the morning with the sound of gentle snoring beside him and a hand on his arm, and then wakes up a second time to the smell of coffee coming from the kitchen. And it’s not in verbal form, but Phil knows Dan means it as a thank you.  
  
x  
  
Dan grew to like looking at his reflection, something which he never thought he would. Over the years he had lost the lankiness of his arms and legs, growing into his body, moving like a normal person who has full control over all four limbs. He looks at himself in the shower, finally coming to terms with the mirror that stands right opposite to it.  
  
The kitchen was clean and a bundle of clean clothing lay on his bed, not folded, but still nice and warm from the dryer. He sits on his bed in his towel, calls for Phil a couple of times, realizes he’s gone out for the day, misses him slightly, texts him a couple of emojis, browses twitter and by now his body and hair are nearly completely dry. He gets into one of Phil’s boxers, – or was it his? – and finds himself with a lack of purpose as to what he has to do that day. Dwelling upon it, Dan decides it would be best not to get into the existential matters. It is a far too beautiful day outside for that.  
  
He ends up spending the day inside with the windows open, enjoying the lack of Phil to listen to music with no headphones, as well as cooking a bunch of macaroni and cheese to eat all by himself. It doesn’t make up for Phil’s absence though.  
  
When Phil does get home at about 10pm that night, Dan is slightly drowsy on the living room couch, sluggishly eating popcorn while on his laptop, tv and phone simultaneously. But no matter how sluggish he feels, he asks Phil to come joint him on the couch, “I made popcorn” he says, and listens happily as Phil nearly vomits everything about his day into the conversation.  
  
“Feels like old time skypeing when I have to tell you about my day like this. I don’t like it.” Phil says, and lays a head upon Dan’s shoulder, not ceasing to talk about the weird couple on the tube on the way home. Dan says very little, laughs at the appropriate moments and is happy not to be alone anymore.  
  
x  
  
Dan is late. He woke up late, and then he forgot everything he needed, and then the car from the BBC was already waiting for him, and he was so fucking stressed oh my god. He could almost feel the sweat building up on his back, even though the wind outside was cold.  
  
Phil was stood in the kitchen, still in his pyjamas, brewing coffee with a serious expression. He wasn’t one for goodbyes really, especially not when he was the one being left behind.  
He walked into the lounge to see a struggling Dan attempting to gather all of the needed wires to put into his backpack, all dressed and with straightened hair, a Dan very different from the one Phil lay with the night before.  
  
“I’ve packed your phone and laptop battery chargers into your bag already. Also put in an extra hair of headphones, just in case you need them” he says, not really expecting anything from Dan in return. Phil was a person who gives and gives and never stops giving, and maybe that was the reason he felt his heart being taken away each time Dan walked out the door.  
  
Dan looked up from the documents he’d been checking, breathed out a slow and shaky breath, closed the distance between them and fell into Phil’s arms in a way he hadn’t done in a long time. Phil nearly dropped his coffee, but managed to just keep it together – but only just.  
  
“Have fun in Stockholm” he whispered into Dan’s neck.  
  
“Try not to break too much around the house while I’m gone” he replied, grabbing his things in swift, fast motions and running down the stairs. He paused in front of the door before opening it.  
  
“I love you, see you later” he kind of yells, and shuts the door tightly.  
  
Phil drops his coffee this time.  
  
x  
  
It had been a long time since they’d just sat and talked. Not about the book, not about the tour, not about anything. But just talked.  
  
It’s the night before the book comes out, it’s the last night in the apartment before things take a big turn for Dan and Phil – the persons and the brand. But they lay on the sofa together, trying very hard not to make the other fall off, and talk quietly about things that don’t really matter, but also of things that do.  
  
“How come we never get tired of each other? I can hardly stand myself for long periods of time” Dan whispers into the dimly lit room, and even at this volume the question resonates as if he had screamed it into a megaphone.  
  
Phil doesn’t answer, but rather strokes Dan’s cheeks and hair and arms and looks at him for a while. People forget to look at one another, and Phil wants to know every feature of Dan’s face like he did the day after they’d met when they’d shared a bed for the first time. He tries to memorize the slow traces of age that mark Dan’s face, he tries to know where every single one of his moles is, and tries very hard to put together all tones of gold that make his eye color, – failing spectacularly at that last one.  
  
Dan understands the silence, and tries not to let himself get trapped inside his own head. He thinks about whispering and “I need you” or “I miss you even though you are here right now” or even and “I love you” but he is afraid that it will sound like a shout again. So he keeps quiet.  
  
They fall asleep on the couch, in positions that will most likely damage their spines, and make them wake up uncomfortable and unrested. And it’s not quite I love you – but it kind of is.


End file.
